on the bathroom floor

I sat outside my house door for half an hour [okay could have been worse], wondering why she left the house again, wondering why I don't carry my own set of house keys. I still don't know why actually.

So hard to keep level somedays, so hard to have a clear mind, so hard to think 'what would Buddha do?', so hard not to feel like screaming to the sky Can't you see I'm trying?

And then you only realise that feelings exist when you look at someone again and they look different. Feel the pain when you see the blood. Realise that you've forgotten something when you find that it's not there. Sometimes the thought just slips away without you knowing, and that's the saddest part of all. Imagine all the things you've forgotten, not even knowing that they've escaped you. Boy that is very sad.

Anywayyy.

I can't believe how a huge piece of paper can make me smile so much. Probably the thoughtfulness behind the gift, and of course the gift itself. It makes me think of you and all my short fused crap you had to endure, and of course the brilliant genius epic band that blows my mind and has the brains to figure out how to use the Buchla 200e. Man.