on the bathroom floor

I had a brilliant sleep though I dreamt that I was tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep, all while I was really sleeping. And then I woke up an hour later. Told my mom I was late and she laughed. Yesterday I called the NLB helpdesk to retrieve my username and I could tell the lady was cracking up when she read it out. Anywayyyy...

It's so facepalm that I'm blogging about this when I should be 'bitching about somebody' or something but I truly admire the quote by Lao Tzu that Mr. Jackson chose in the handbook. I don't want to be a prisoner, and I don't want to keep fearing that someone'll tap my back and say 'fraud'. Not anymore.

The quote by Michael Leunig is the best of all.

*facepalm, I know.

Yay day 1.
So many times you don't realise something till someone points it out. Like how my polo tee has turned grey. Just like the...nevermind. If I were forced to say something meaningful it would have to be that the environment truly has the power to affect the way you think, for better or worse.

My heads getting out of control for real, I say this with real desparation. I feel like the corpse bride with the worm in her head popping out of her eye socket. But I can't fling him away or push my eyeball back. Can only sit down or lie down and wish it all away, or keep playing music or having the tv on or talking so I can't have anytime to let them come back. Sigh, the woes of being a human being.

Thank God I'm in sota. It can be intimidating at times, (but I'm always intimidated by everything anyway) but just...thank god.

Shucks end of holiday. Got some things done, got some things forgotten as well I'm sure but nevermind. Kinda happy to go back to school and see the new campus, I don't care if it's totally done or not.

My folks, especially mother, were really worried about my brother not getting all his uni applications and whatever else necessary done in time, and she (mother) ranted on about how she can't understand how last-minute people can exist in this world etc. etc. all that ranting. But happy times for them because, the next day, or maybe 2 or 3 days later, he finds out he's accepted by Oxford. (Man.) So the remaining applications, can just throw them away. Well except for maybe one.

I'm happy of course, but once again, like everytime, his ego is boosted, and he gets another ticket of "permission" to look down on others. I'm quite sure there are other ways to measure human worth.

I just read Off-centre. I think we're all mentally-ill in a way. Victims of some kinda system, at times self-inflicted. But I'm saying this in a really neutral way, maybe even with a touch of (resigned) optimism. We should just establish that there is no centre, and kill the need to get there.

Goodbye sanity. Sometimes you might think perhaps being a teenager means you've developed more of your brain and maturity, and you're ready to take on new challenging ideas. If you're like my parents you would give teenagers the benefit of the doubt. Don't. Because right now I'm getting even more screwed up by the minute, and if your brain is like a wobbly piece of jelly, slopping on more piles of jelly on it'll make it all slide off, contaminating the original piece bit by bit in the process. Everyone knows, that the REAL way to learn any crap, is to experience it yourself, not read it in theory from a fucking book. Sometimes, you have to let people make their own mistakes.

And you know what the worst thing is. The worst thing right now. Is to feel absolutely on the edge, to feel all the emotional violence going on, and then you look around, and all the cars are still driving by, the air is moving lazily, the clock is just ticking. It's like everything you feel makes no difference. It's like maybe, you're really that insignificant. So many things are happening underneath the surface every day. And those things aren't very convenient sometimes.

Yay. Yesterday I rode a bike round ecp with friends and it was great. Except for the part where I fell with the bike from laughing too hard. Don't laugh too hard when you're riding a bike.

Gotta go to the dentist tomorrow, damn. Really hope she doesn't keep asking questions, they know you can't answer and they still do that sometimes.

It's already december, december just came while I was on holiday, and when I'm not in S'pore I have absolutely no sense of time whatsoever (seriously) so december just crept in. I can't believe that my aunt who looks really fine for her age (like really) is already a grandmother, and she was commenting on how this year totally shot through us like a bullet (aaouch), then I agreed and she was shocked, and so were the other adults present because things went so slowly for them when they were younger. The taxi driver said the same thing she did, about time flying. I guess everyone was having quite some fun then.

Got back in S'pore at like 1 in the morning, won't really wax about the trip though it was quite awesome. Not much of wildlife but the cities and stuff. I thought it'd be really hot in australia but I froze at some points and didn't sweat at all. I considered the 8hour flight back home part of the holiday as well cuz we somehow got upgraded to business class on SIA cuz of my dad, very wow. Yeah the folks love being economical so I've never sat on business class ever in SIA and it was great, finally being able to rest properly without having my head on someone's lap. The headsets block out so much sound, the screens are bigger. The toilet has more space too. See how funny this is, I go on a holiday and I go on and on about the damn plane.

Anyway, I'm going to go on about the taxi driver now. I felt pretty shit cuz the driver was so shocked we went to australia, a really crazy incredibly exotic far out place in his mind. Said he'd never been out of the country at all, and he's gonna be driving this taxi till 6 in the morning. Then my dad started talking about the economy, I seriously don't know how that helps. A really facepalm moment. That really got the driver pretty depressed about things and he went on about how everyday you get closer to a heart attack, not being able to sleep well, worrying about the money. How people with money celebrate CNY happily while people like him are dropping tears, it was a really depressing conversation to hear. My dad couldn't shoot the crap anymore. It was quite sad. For a second I was afraid he'd [the driver] get so revved up and just give up and do something silly. Though it's really nothing much compared to those giant homes out there, I think dropping us off at our place got him even sadder. What to do.

I didn't get no free bag. Anyway. Ohhhkay day I guess, got some exercise though the mood wasn't totally there. Won't go into a commentary but privacy will literally be a thing of the past if some of those ideas are really developed, not too hot about it. I think I kinda like reading things on paper too. Gather all your non-electronic, inanimate stuff right now and hold them close.

Things turned out quite perfectly yes, got hit by the universe but then it decided to turn around and hand me some ice. The U is some thing indeed, something you might hate to love, something that really makes you hate to love. It's true that some important things can't be counted and equated but maybe it could be such that everything you do shows someone whether to stay or walk away.

I missed the first part of the design congress thingy, but I'm going for the second day tomorrow, really hoping it's good. Really hoping I get the free bag.

So it's playing out right before my eyes, pathetic lonely useless piece of flesh. Feeling embarrassed for caring too much. Like a stupid naive child, child child child, always being so needy. Two parents not enough for you? If only we were sims and had relationship bars to check on right? Then you'd never have to worry about being the sore loser.

Camped overnight at Japanese garden to watch the Leonid metoer shower, guess my expectations were too much but seeing 5 shooting stars was pretty good! 5 stars for 5 people. My first time seeing a complete constellation in the sky as well, perfect camp spot. Lost a whole night of sleep and I kinda frittered today away snoozing off, oh well. What now tomorrow.

Real fashed. Watched The Song of Sparrows today, real good treat. Way better than ben & jerry's. Forgot when the last guitar lesson was...anyway...we're back.

I wish I wasn't. I love google earth. The sky is mind-blowing. Everything else seems so insignificant now. Had another of those nightmares, I really don't understand. I heard someone say an odd simple sentence so insanely loaded. Guess once we grow up our folksies can't appease us with toys and gadgets anymore, everything just gets more complicated, we grow older so do they. I can't listen to anymore stories from my dad. It's such a common ache, but it hurts real bad sometimes, missing the days when those characters really existed in my mind, when I really thought they lived in the house we drove pass. I don't want my dad to ever stop saying 'ohno' even in animated movies, how adults feign panic to increase the excitement for little kiddies. 15's not so big yet, right. This kinda bites.

(And the piano's actually a percussion instrument.)

Okay so it's over. I didn't/don't have the satisfied feeling I was supposed to get but da heck with it. Yes yes it is over and I will definitely enjoy life yes. My head kinda hurts though. I think I'm moving 'migraine' to the top 5 most likely causes of death to yours truly. [I hear you sigh as you shake your head]. I realise that my perfect moment of enlightenment will only come when I'm dead/dying. That's actually not so bad because then I've always got this to look forward to no matter what happens. And I'm not saying this in a dark humour bittersweet resigned kinda way because I like really mean it.

Of excitement, happiness and terror: AAHHHHHHHHHHHH

I sat outside my house door for half an hour [okay could have been worse], wondering why she left the house again, wondering why I don't carry my own set of house keys. I still don't know why actually.

So hard to keep level somedays, so hard to have a clear mind, so hard to think 'what would Buddha do?', so hard not to feel like screaming to the sky Can't you see I'm trying?

And then you only realise that feelings exist when you look at someone again and they look different. Feel the pain when you see the blood. Realise that you've forgotten something when you find that it's not there. Sometimes the thought just slips away without you knowing, and that's the saddest part of all. Imagine all the things you've forgotten, not even knowing that they've escaped you. Boy that is very sad.

Anywayyy.

I can't believe how a huge piece of paper can make me smile so much. Probably the thoughtfulness behind the gift, and of course the gift itself. It makes me think of you and all my short fused crap you had to endure, and of course the brilliant genius epic band that blows my mind and has the brains to figure out how to use the Buchla 200e. Man.

Psapp- tricycle

I know that anyone who's had the power to fudge around with my life has had the power to make me very happy as well. It has to matter enough if it gets to you. I have an image of a patient on a hospital bed trying to pull off the tubes.

So we're finally doing the halloween thing we've been talking about since the beginning of the year. I think I miss you all a whole lot, and I miss myself, dunno where I went for a while. So much weird crap has happened in between and I'm just relieved that we're relatively unscathed. I would like to think so? [WAIK, no way.]

Neil Gaiman tomorrow, so glad we got tickets. You can say let the chips fall where they may but things will always happen your way somehow.

Sometimes if you skim over your consent form really quick or focus your eyes on the space on top of this word, GOODMAN looks like something else. And okay, I take back what I thought/said about the workshops/masterclasses/sports interest groups. I kinda [ohmg] enjoyed them a hell lot more than I intended to. Gulp yes, I said sports interest group. I even loved the classical drawing masterclass, wow. Guess this week wasn't all bad. Wow who drugged my food huh?

Eh let's just cut all this nonsense okay. We're all tired people, don't need to get all pissy and stuff, bog knows you're just annoyed, bog knows you wanna think we're living inside a box. You know what, actually I think I'm totally O.K. with it, human nature we blame it. Growing up is turning all of us into fools. Now I'm really toast because I can't even get mad at people, I'm gonna start blaming everyone's mistakes on human nature, cannot do. Gdnight!

So the last week of school is here, last week of the academic year. I feel like writing letters to people, but that would be a step closer to muting myself, which I always knew would come but not now. To be honest I don't really like poetry, but I think words are one of the prettiest things out there, and I've never gotten used to the sound of my voice even until now. It wavers and then sounds overly harsh and then weak when I feel so dry, and some things are so hard to say without having to look somewhere else, or without first roughening and jokening how it sounds to ease the tension or embarrassing awkwardness.

Today we talked and we realised together that what some people have that we didn't was the confidence and conviction in expressing their opinions. Well isn't that what it's about then. My respect only extends to the courage they have, not much more because I know there are people out there who know things we/they don't. I don't know if respect is the right word to use, I don't like tossing it around like that. Anyway, these people are people who seldom talk much. I guess it's our own faults, I'm unsure of what the reason is. Point of this whole chunk is, I want to pay more attention to people who don't speak, and should I ever become an educator which I won't ever be (seriously), these are the people I will care about.

I'm sorry I don't feel like going to school now.

The truth is that I am scared and quite nervous. The truth is that a pain can still make me worry. Truth is that, several things right now can make me really happy. And this alone makes me happy, to know that things still matter to me. I want things to keep mattering. Please.

That's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the wall closet.

I used to cry a lot when I was younger over small things and even also on my birthdays cuz I found a whole bunch of relatives/people intimidating. Now it seems like my nose can only turn sour and my eyes will feel warm and that be it.

Now it seems like I know how to identify things better, I know how to put names to things people feel. And because of that everything demands one. Everything demands to be identified. How hard it was when grey areas started to appear. And then I threw them all under the label of numbness or indifference.

I might be indifferent for the rest of my life.

So like what's harder when you're standing at a spot: anxiously waiting and hoping for something to happen/come or anxiously praying for something not to? Law of attraction makes the latter so much harder. Needn't explain why.

Man it's so late.
Ha ha haw. So wtf happened today.
Cheers to the Epic FAIL, friends. No use stealing a shirt or trying to lie through our teeths.
Still, things end well and happily somehow, somehow, and we get the warm glowy feelings in our hearts.

So tired.
I wonder if it was true how the first man created felt lonely, needed some companion. How do you even recognize the lack of something if you've never seen or felt it before. How did you know you needed someone around. You didn't even know the person, there's no freaking person to miss. You didn't need anyone. You should've just lived and died. Now you've caused this huge headache, you think it's cool, you think people are happy. Well no one else gets it as easy as you in case you didn't notice. Unlike you who waswerewhatever spoonfeddd, we're the result of a thousand alterations, looking for friends and companions from a pool of a thousand more alterations. You bloody try. Ha ha haw again.

Nice job. Once again I've submitted to the wishes of the annoying (sadly not lesser) self and pushed myself closer to the mold. Yes, the mold I've started to dread a whole lot. Churning out things that don't have my heart stamped on them anymore, spitting things out for your satisfaction and for the rest to know I'm still alive. (Or alive at all) if I want to sound really pitiful and attention seeking.

Anyway enough of this crap, gdnight.

See now, taking a thousand collapses won't work at all if you have the same nagging load on your shoulders, heart beating so hard until you feel like your bolster's alive and missing your mother bear real bad. Bad.

Time is tick tocking away so quietly with the draw of every eyelashy curtain and switch offing of every light and feeling just content is a source of contentment no more.

You want to pummel everything carelessly and scrap off the icky bits whole, wipe that bloody slate clean and let that head sink deep into the sack.

But God sez no.

Finishing up the fourth diary. The whole idea may be slightly cheesy but it's only really cheesy if you choose to do it the way it's usually portrayed. I wonder where the one I left in the plane from Chicago is...maybe recycled and now containing oily donuts or something.

Speaking of planes it's annoying how the folks keep going overseas. I thought my dad would come back and be back but he leaves twice more in a row. I don't know how many parentless nights I've had, it almost feels like the norm not having them around. And the brother comes back and is awake only at dodgy hours so it makes little difference. I feel like I own this house now. No not really.

Ah yay for tomorrow.

The most fruitful expedition with Janel yesterday from day to night. Wanted to stay in hmv to listen to them play the whole muse album, like some listening party. Got a free book. And we're sucky jaywalkers. Today with milon, people always wanna feel different but it's startlingly comforting when someone else feels the same uncanny feeling. It's quite good. Got a headache watching how I met your mother on the bus again, still love that show.

In primary school we got in stupid small trouble then they ditched me overnight. I dunno, suddenly decided you don't wanna do this anymore and start acting all different. I know people are capable of doing these kinda things, I know it so well. And knowing this makes me quite wary sometimes. Trust is quite damn foolish sometimes.

Everything's all LOL right. All the problems in the world can be solved in a LOL. I never want to hear that fucking LOL again. I'm sorry I'm like that okay. Sometimes I'm really genuine when I say that.

I'm been thinking about that S. How if I get it, the S would totally screw me over. How that S will turn me into someone else, how it'll rob me of my sanity and every ounce of sincerity in my work. What's the S anyway? Isn't it just an investment? It's conditional. Not like your parents' love. But the real world isn't anything like your parents' love so why am I even comparing.

Stupid bloody strive for excellence. I feel like I'm selling my soul for excellence. That's another word I never want to hear.

broken social scene-love and mathematics

500's soundtrack is fantastic. I've been listening to it over and over again.
I can't wait to get over with all these road-checks as Dr. Yeo likes to call them (it's the end of the road by the way).

I think I'm coming down with something quite scary...my energy span seems to be decreasing rapidly. It's not the lack of sleep though it's been getting harder as well. It's really quite an accomplishment surviving for 15 years. All the things that could've gone wrong, all the accidents possible. 15 years. My heart has continuously beat for 15 years ++. Wow.

Okay that's enough.

Hey is it weird to feel like it's the holidays already? Oops.
I really wanna watch 500 days of summer. Someone already has it in his ipod...so many distractions.

Arghghghgh.

There was this super loud alarm and all the metal barrier thingies came down. My dad and I in ntuc. It was like a movie, and everyone would be left stuck in a supermarket. At least no one would die of starvation. Anyway. I think somehow the best way to study for arc is to talk about it. And talk about it loudly in public so you sound smart, like you and your friend[s] always have these kinds of intellectual conversations.

I don't get what the point is in lingering about anymore. I don't get the use of talking about it once it's done. I mean it's done, just get out and get on with it. I'm afraid I'm going back to my old way of thinking. Afraid I'm getting all disapproving of what everyone else does like I used to. Cuz I was trying to act like I was independent, not the L word. Bravo Sierra.

Old self, I'm not sure I want you back now. Anyway, anyway. After all this is over I'm going to get rid of this feeling and be normal again.

Glad the xams are finally starting. Faster they start faster they over.

Back from Wole Soyinka. What a guy. I wished I'd paid better attention instead of letting external thoughts keep running through my head. Walked around the area and was thinking about how romantic it was where they hung lots of pretty lights on the trees and where the full moon was shining and the water was so colourful. It's always a really shortlived kinda feeling as everyone knows.

I've evaluated the trends of my life and so many things are just boiling beneath the surface I can't take it anymore. I guess this sorry post is aimed to make you feel better. I'm a human being and naturally enjoy complaining about my life. Deal with it, God. Isn't that how you wanted it?

I'll never be as cool as the rest of you. I'll never be as edgy. I'll never be as smart. I'll never have a best friend. Probably never get a pet who won't run off to another owner. I get sickening verbal constipation when talking to people, who wants to talk anymore? I feel almost as emotionally backward as some characters I read about, I feel pathetic because I can only listen to songs and feel but never experience. I need to grow up, because I still think people can make up after fighting, I still have faith in thinking everyone can be friends if they only understood. This obviously isn't true at all, and I'm going to [adjective] be left in the dust if I don't adjective get with it.

So go ahead and have fun complaining about how you screwed parts of your life up and are 'picking up the pieces'. My life is so adjective blank I have nothing to feel about anything. So cry about how your relationship failed, how he bloody broke your heart. I've never even been close to having one at all. Feel upset over how they're picking on you. They don't even know I exist. Cuz I'm always the one you can trust, and ultimately the one you can forget. The one who'll always help you patch things up with someone else, any problems with me aren't worth patching up at all.

I don't know what I'm here for. Is this some kinda joke? What about the people worse off? Is this some really stupid sadistic joke you're trying to crack? Not amused at all. You want me to believe in what you do? Then why don't you freaking show it and quit being such a bloody coward. Emotional blackmail. I can't even swear at you because apparently all that I've been given is from you. I almost hate you so much for doing this. Why.

You're making life so hard to get on with and give up on.

Com is lagging on me.
Life is lagging on me.
We're all propagandists.

Study session with Janel and Milon, guess it's a pretty good thing that my house was empty. Walked over for awesome prata and stuff. Great weather. Janel left early and we were supposed to come back and spend the rest of the time studying. Ended up watching district 9 and an episode of how I met your mother. Yes I LOVE that show. Didn't study much though. Shit.

There's always this gap I feel when talking to people. This stupid thing that gets in the way.
Don't wanna do this anymore. Wonder how long I can stifle my study conscience.
And there's nothing wrong with reading edward de bono's books.

Maybe living alone isn't so bad. You don't have to open your mouth to anyone, get to know your furniture better.

It's somewhere opposite Novena I think. I suddenly wish I had taken pictures of my bus ride- buses though I don't think I'll ever forget them totally. Still. All those days gone. Aiyah.

I don't know what all this will come to, reading that old thick little story book [which has no typos at all!], collecting and flipping through all those wesley weeklys, trying to pray for people I don't even know, trying to walk on the right and sunny side of the road... Sigh God if you're really out there try not to laugh too much or you might throw up.

I don't get what's wrong either. I easily believe in the shittiest of school rumours but not in you.

Ahhh finally, finally done with your poems, sir. Good job.
Mann I miss watching Seinfeld.

Index of the past 7 hours of my life. Or chem, to be less precise. I sure know how to prepare salts from my tears or sweat if that's what you want. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I tried to wake up at 5am today to do work. But instead of feeling that refreshing early-morning drive that I was supposed to, I just ended up walking back and forth and hearing a rooster call. Serious. There's a rooster somewhere not far from where I stay and it was crowing or whatever you call it. Felt like I was sleeping in a barn.

You're stuck in a state of limbo and I can imagine why. Did our brains ever make the mistake of filling up the gaps ourselves? Is somebody going to disappoint you when they turn out different from the image you sculpted in your mind? It's painful but sometimes thinking of being with someone is really better than actually being with them. You can only lie down and imagine all the ideal conversations you want to have, all the ideal things you want to do.

They're called ideal for a reason.

--------------------------------------

http://www.firstfruitswolfnotes.com/
Our mentors are involved, please go.

I really wanna watch some films in animation nation. I hope they're really slack about the nc16 thing though.
-------------------
I'm so tired, and so tired of hearing from you, and so tired of myself not telling you, and just so tired of feeling tired, and argh I'm going to sleep.

I didn't know that my dad was once a janitor and a burger-flipper when he was studying in the US. Didn't know that he used a recorder and the radio to get songs cuz he couldn't afford to spend anything on anything. Can't imagine how he was one of those annoying boys who played soccer. And his driving sucks a little so it's hard to think of how he rode a motorbike [which got stolen].

I also didn't know about the long-haired hippie-looking caucasian who stood outside my mom's place in the cold snow to wait for her. I can't even imagine how it'd be like if she ended up with him, it's pretty funny. I think my mom looked so much prettier when she was younger and had long hair [and those huge specs that they all used to wear].

And then she got kids and became a mother...and she got her hair cut...and she's so weird now. I really don't know her as a person at all. Just as my mom. Same goes for my dad. I don't wanna grow up and just end up being called a 'wife' and a 'mother' and have all of my youth and personality buried under those layers. I don't wanna start reading books on death and tell my kids how 'I'll probably have 15 to 20 more years if I'm lucky'. Why do I have to listen to things like that?

Yah I'm only 15. I'm suppose to be a kid who hasn't realised the gravity of life, whatever that crap means.

The Drums- Let's Go Surfing

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly.
God loves his children, yeah.

I really love this school and all but they just sabotaged us with such a mindlessly time consuming project. Faced with such a squashed up time frame even the exhibition had to be rushed. How do you even try to enjoy life in such urgency? Like trying to taste a slice of half-defrosted pizza.

I'm getting so tired of this exhausting cycle. Feeling like a fucking useless waste of space and then feeling guilty for insulting my parent's daughter. I cheer up because I don't want to think that you're wrong about who you're placing your faith and love in. I can't believe I'm even thinking in this twisted way, like I'm almost too aware of my role.

Great things have unfolded themselves before me today and I don't even know how to be happy about them. I don't know who I should be thanking because it would seem too much to thank myself. But then again I prayed to no one. Not consciously, at least. I don't know who to thank at all.

Oh my god. I knew resisting The Resistance would never work.

Exogenesis just takes my breath away, had me tearing up. Shit. Has the great qualities of Space Dementia and Ruled By Secrecy.

Incredibly stellar piece of art. Doesn't touch the special place in my heart for Absolution but a great album nonetheless.

Yeah okay so I kinda got sick of my previous blogskin, just using this one temporarily until I decide what to do. I don't know how I ever gave that title for my blog either but I'll just leave it there. Wonder if I sound different. Some fonts have the ability to make you sound dumb.

Anyway, ice skating again with Wanye West. You really have to let go of that bloody railing. Guess it helped me get my mind off some things that I just found out of. I'm honestly trying to be very cool and okay about what's happening [or not happening] but it's getting quite hard. Yeah, it's just another show, but I'm always paranoid about bad things happening in pairs or streaks [they can't just happen once] and right now it seems like this is just confirming my feelings of detachment from VA. I know, I know, I'm being very annoying with this turdy whining.

Today is the last day of nothing because the holiday never existed.

I officially love going to the air port. I started realising a lot of things. Managed to get some bonding time with my Dad too. I feel like changing this blogskin, it's kinda getting me down.

I like the human body, it's a nice work of art.