on the bathroom floor

I felt quite different today, I really don't know why, and especially during the visual arts lessons. I'm just going to come clean right now.

I felt very out-of-element during painting and I kept thinking that one day, yes one day I'm going to screw up and disappoint my teachers so badly. And it hurts to sit waiting for that day. I felt extremely reckless and deliberate at the same time, and I kept feeling that I was doing something wrong.

My greatest fear isn't causing people to get angry or irritated by me. What I fear most is people being disappointed. It's like all the hope and confidence in you has been shattered into tiny pieces extremely hard to salvage.

Sculpture lesson today brought me to the brink of tears. Standing there, watching your product, thinking, thinking, thinking. The frustration of not getting it right over and over again and having to supress all the negative energy inside yourself.

It seemed that Mr. J could sense my frustration and said "good" when I told him I was frustrated, and he reminded me that patience is a virtue. I wish I had the strength to really learn from all of this...It turned out quite well in the end,

and then I wish I could shut out the voice that keeps saying

"So I guess the disappointment date has been postponed"

But I can't. I really can't!! I think I'm going to be crazy soon when I can't even reign in my own thoughts...

How long do I have to put up with these thoughts! I just can't take it anymore...the pressure is endless...I miss my parents...I'm afraid of everything...

Please somebody tell me why...