on the bathroom floor

Hello again. Usually I come to post with a subject but now I've got nothing and I don't feel like letting boredom get its way. So...I'm gonna talk about whatever comes to mind. It's already December 26 and a few more days to the beginning of school. Speaking of school...I finally caught a glimpse of the new class lists. At first I went to check the '2007 sec 2 class' forgetting that it was 2007 and I couldn't recognise any names. I felt stupid after that and went to see the 07 sec 1 classes. I checked on my two best pals and it must have been fate because they got in the same class! Then I jumped to 1 Purity [of course] and started peaking at who got in the same class as who. [I sense some drama between 2 people I know that will hate to be in the same class with each other and groups of pallies mercilessly SPLIT but don't mind me] Even though I already expected it, I still got a sad pang in bottom depths of my heart when I saw that my name wasn't on the list of 1P. It seemed as if I never even existed and all traces of me have been wiped off. I felt like I was already dead from St. Nicks and 'moving on' to 'another place'.

I received a letter recently from some CC saying that I'll receive $150 for good progress or something like that, and that the school will present it to me in Jan. But wait a sec, I can't go back to school. I'll have to go on the 28th or 29th of Dec to collect it in the office when it's open. I don't know how I'll feel when I go back. I know it has only been 1 year, and I'm extremely aware that it wasn't exactly that pleasant considering some...things that happened over a period of time, but still, I miss St. Nicks. This year has also proven to me how important and un-mushy a diary is. Without it I most probably would have gone hair-yanking mad. Or dead. The diary listens and takes in everything with no 'extra' and sometimes unhelpful-at-all comments you get from parents. And sometimes when I get really nuts I feel the diary talking to me and I respond though I know it's really me talking to myself. It does help more than you realise, especially in moments of despair and depression.

As for this blog...sometimes I get the feeling that no one really reads it and that I'm writing to myself. But I guess it doesn't really matter. You shouldn't really expect anything special from a blog since you know we're keeping our innermost feelings inside us. We mostly talk about where we went, what we did, what we bought, this rocks, that sucks and other things that usually interest no one but ourselves. I hope I'm not bringing anyone down cuz I feel like a dark cloud now.

I guess I should lighten up. I feel like everytime I blog I start off okay and then I end up talking about gloomy matters in a gloomy style. I write the usual stuff then I say 'time flies' and from there I start ranting on about how we're wasting time dot dot dot. It's like a disease that's really hard to cure. Ok enough of blahblahblah. Though what I'm about to say might end up as blahblahblah as well. Sometimes I wish I could be less afraid of meeting new people and getting judged and stuck. I don't know if anyone else faces this, but it's hard to convince myself that "they're just like you", they're "as nervous", "as afraid" as you. Everyone I meet seems to know everything. They know where to walk, they know who to talk to, they know what to say, they know what everything means...they just know everything. And I feel scared and lost and sometimes stupid. I feel as if everyone has a blueprint distributed to them but I missed out on it and now I have to find my own way. I wish I could wipe that mentality off. just got to tell myself that we're one and one the same. The same the same the same.

Life is full of obstacles and this is just one of them. Anyone falling asleep?