on the bathroom floor

This is crazy. This is unbelievable. This is just about the shortest year of my life. I feel like I just went into St. Nicks yesterday and today I'm going away! I feel like nothing has happened, and yet I have so many memories stuck in my head. I'll say it again. This is crazy. This is unbelievable. This is just about the shortest year of my life! I've grown so much without realising it. I've learnt so many lessons without realising it either. This is really funny. Everything just zooms by, and yet...

BRACE YOURSELVES. This is a VERY long post.

I've changed quite a bit since last year, I will admit. Both positively and negatively. I am a diary-writer. It's not because I'm really emo or something, but it's just to express everything I feel, no holds barred-I can say anything. I talk to it when I'm feeling lonely or upset by writing on it. When I read through my previous entries from the very first day of this year when I was completely new to St. Nicks, all the ups and downs I've been through and where I am now, I realised a few things about my entries.

Firstly, they got sharper, edgier and more and more pessimistic as the days went by, especially during the period of June and after that. My very first entry was filled with so much happiness and I almost don't recognise that me anymore. I had so much confidence, I was the most optimistic person in the world, everything went my way. The things I got upset about were stupid and trivial. I didn't seem to have a worry about anything. Yes, of course I did talk about some people I disliked, as well as some teachers, but everything was rather peachy and sweet. I got upset cuz my mom didn't buy me a skirt I wanted. I wasn't happy that I got in yellow house again since I was in yellow house in my primary school. [FYI: Everything I say here is true. I have my diary here with me now and I'm flipping through it.] I talked about my first time explaining a math question to the class and getting an applause. I talked about finally becoming a teenager and getting presents from my classmates even when I expected to get nothing. And then I told my diary about meeting new friends and letting go of old ones, the first time I had recess with someone new. Soon, twilight entered my life. Imagine the fun I had telling my diary all about it. My anxieties to get my PPR, getting top, my reluctance to go back to visit my primary school, my new best friend, my trip to UK, getting hurt by being turned down sharply and ending up watching a movie myself, basically, I blurted out EVERYTHING and I still do.

I was pretty much quite a happy person. But somehow, some way, as I flip through the pages, the writing has changed very gradually, but it has changed. I realise that the truth is, I was slowly losing my more cheerful and childish nature. I started writing in a more pessimistic manner. I got more and more doubtful and unsure about things, I started to realise that everything I thought was there was fading away. I discovered so many things about people I've met. It scares me how in one entry I start praising and admiring someone I've recently gotten closer to, and just a few entries later I'm screaming, writing in words that take 5 lines to contain, splattering very upsetting thoughts everywhere, disfiguring the whole page, talking about quitting life and screwing everything. As I look back to the admiring entry, I wonder for a while, how everything could have happened so quickly. And from one point in the diary, everything started to spiral out of control. My handwriting became unreadable, I started scribbling the f word everywhere which I don't normally do and I constantly expressed the dread of school and people and a meaningless life. However, after a while, towards the end of September, I learnt to try to ignore some of the hurtful things that somebody said to me. Perhaps it was too late but I got over it and it's all that matters. On 10th Oct I admitted to myself that I haven't "perfectly recovered from all this" but I was feeling much better. I've truly grown a lot. I have grown so much since my first cheerful entry and it's really quite...I just can't find the word to say it.

My little book contains almost every event of the year in short. I've been hurt by a lot of people, but no doubt I've hurt a lot of people myself as well without realising it until I had to be told. After this whole year, I've changed in so many ways. I don't trust people so easily anymore. I've lost a lot of self-confidence, through I have gained some as well. I have realised that not everyone is living the life that we live in, as well as learning to be more sensitive to other people and understand the situations that they're in. I've decided from observation that I will never be a phony who crawls to the ones I once flamed when in need. Most of all, I know that I should embrace silence and solitude once in a while.

Thank you to the people who actually bothered to read all this. You know how I am, give me a piece of paper and I will fill it completely for you.

How can I ever forget my 1 Purity friends? 1 Purity is a very colourful class I must say...Long live Purity!! Remember that I said I would give a short message to everyone in this class here and write what I'd miss from them? Well, here it is...

Alana: Thanks for being my very first angel! I'll miss sharing mp3 files with you!
Anna: My fellow previous art rep!
Vivian: Sat very near you in terms 2 and 3. Thanks for being 1P's class monitor. Had lots of fun doing the ice kachang project with you
Munn Yi: We never really talked much, but I'll miss you all the same. All the best for netball!
Cheryl: Thanks for being my 2nd angel and giving me that adorable fluffy cake!
Xin Lin: Thanks for partnering me temporarily in the beginning of the year [if you still remember] and telling me about all your serials!
Wei En: I've met very few people as vibrant as you! Gonna miss you.
Jia Hui: Fellow blogger and super fashion-model image designer! Had fun being your angel and sharing music interests! Blog on!
Xin Yun: Our chinese rep who's obviously crazy pro at Chinese. Why didn't you rub off your chin-knowledge on me when we chatted?? Ha just joking. Will miss you!
Jasmine: I hear your voice in class all the time I think I can spot it anywhere now. Thanks for supporting me in the art fabric project!
Lek Hui: I've never had a conversation with you...but all the same I won't forget you.
Wan Ting: To put it smoothly, thanks for playing a big role in my own mental development. I'll always remember the chicken's brain in butt joke. Haha! Now you I cannot forget!
Steffi: Thanks for lending me the fall out boy and mika cds, and yes, Metric does rock!
Zhen Zhen: My mortal who's as good as being my angel. Thank you for bringing me to church with you, for showing me life isn't all peaches and cream. I don't know how I can forget you.
Christine: Ever cheerful! Sometimes I wish I could have some of your happiness for myself! Gonna miss you.
Crystal: I hear your voice all the time in class also. I know you dream big. Work for it.
Loren: Been in the same class with you for 4 years! My fellow twilight fan! I'll miss you alotalotalot!!
Lin Hui: My vintage-d pal who has many vintage things, makes her own stuff with newspaper and thread, and loves my vintage ruler!
Mandi: You should have come with me to the Arts School!! Why didn't you!! Haha. Anyway, sorry if HL and I weren't nice to you in the past. Well you've obviously forgiven her, so please forgive me too.
Maryanne: My friend who made delicious treats for the chinese project with her friends! My friend who was desperate to know who her dear angel was. Will miss you!
Jolene: Another vibrant one. Won't be surprised if you appear on TV in the future.
Angeline: Thanks for accompanying me on the long walk home a few fridays with "invigorating" conversations and encouraging me to show em what a St. Nicks girl is made of, as well as assuring me that someone won't be bugging me anymore. Never gonna forget you!
Shi Min: Had fun being your "encourager" through MSN. Stay strong!
Xin Xian: Multi-talented girl! Stay focused for success!
Shermae: Sweet and perhaps the prettiest girl in 1P! Will remember you!
Shermaine: If it's something wrong I did then I'm sincerely sorry, though I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps I was just too irritating? But I won't say that you've been really nice either. Somethings you do or say hurt more than you think, and it is not just me who feels this way, other people in the class do too. I know you dislike me a lot and I know what you've said about me behind my back. We've all been through that. You've taught me tons of lessons and I'm sure your other 'friends' have learned from you too. Good luck for next year.
Shirlene: Our very own Dawan with a honey sweet voice to sing! I will remember you!
Denise: 1P's monitor, as well as being very smart, responsible and reliable. I need some of that from you. Gonna miss you!
Felicia: Had fun doing xi you ji with you as well as other projects! Jiayou for dance! I'll miss you a lot.
Blenda: Also 1P's monitor! Very cute and pretty, and great at Chinese! I'll remember you!
Shin Wei: It was great getting to know you better at the end of the year! Work hard for your studies! I'll miss you so muchmuch!
Mei Qi: Super enthu and 1P's very responsible monitor. Remember when you came to my house last time to do IPW? Haha. I will never forget you!
Victoria: Suffering alongside me in assembly and espcially in CLLIT! Also my fellow twilight fan and the one who recommended me The Pact. Not to mention very very smart and beating me in my PPR by a decimal number! I'll always remember you!
Hui Lin: Thanks for having lots of fun with me in the first few terms! Also thanks for teaching me many valuable lessons in life. I know we kinda fought a bit [or a lot] so I'm sorry if I said some mean things or made some mistakes, but I'd rather leave here knowing that everything's okay already. No hard feelings anymore right? I'll never forget the great times we had!

You know what.
My finger bones are dropping off.