on the bathroom floor

I think I need to do some reflection on myself. Nothing in particular happened, but I just suddenly felt that I should do a bit of thinking. About stuff. Wise words can sprout out of my mouth whenever I want them to, but I seldom follow my own advice, and my wise words are just words. I'm so flawed and I think I'm so mature. Never succumb to peer pressure.

I always thought I would be above all that, but obviously I am not. My chest receives a blow everytime I see people with expensive phones, and I feel so embarrassed just to admit that that phone is mine, the one that my brother used to have. Cuz they aren't even bothered to get a new one for me. And the worse thing, which makes me quake with rage the most is that WHATEVER I try to do will NEVER get my parents convinced that I deserve something more. Sometimes I feel very disgusted when I see people who are so slack-ish, so irresponsible, and so "heck-care" ish get everything they want, while I study my socks off and get something which to them is, well, nothing. My parents hate to spend a lot of money on my brother and I. It's not that we're poor, it's just that they don't want us to end up too spoiled. But sometimes I wish they would give me just a little more. I get sick just seeing how spoiled some people are. A LOT of branded things that I have blow a hole in MY pocket.

I don't know what to do to get them to even appreciate what is going on. My brother gets 9 A1s for his O' Levels and my parents [mostly my mom] are reluctant when they get him the Nokia N73. Which I KNOW, at least one person in my class has. I work my freaking shit off to get 1st in class and my parents don't even talk about a phone, and I get an amount of cash that might not even be half of some people's monthly allowance. They don't seem to appreciate what we are doing for them. They don't know how much we work. They take us for granted and it makes me so upset.

But like I had mentioned earlier, I shouldn't be bothered by all this. I should follow my own advice and stay above peer pressure. There are thousands who have never even seen that little piece of misery-causing shit before, which isn't even bigger than the size of my palm. It's kinda obvious whether I agreed or not with the statement for UNSW...

I don't like holding grudges either. Unfortunately some people just annoy me. I should just try to make an effort to put out that stupid little flame. But the more I try, the more fake I seem. I guess time will have to heal all wounds...